The Journey, not the Destination

Seeking Bettie Page

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Puppy snuggles and terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
Warm up
350m row
10 squats
10 lunges
100m farmers carry (35) prolly shouldn't have done this
10 pushups
10 burpees (didn't do these since the pushups hurt my elbow so much)
250m run

Wall balls (10#)
KB swings (25#)
Box jumps (20inch - had to go to step ups middle of second round)

Went light on the weight in hopes of not tweaking my elbow more. It was still a tough workout. For a tough day. Made better by snuggles from Copper - Chris and Shara's puppy - who has always shied away from me, but today he snuggled with me. Just what I needed.After failing my cardio exam. And getting a stupid ticket. From an asshole cop. Boo today. I need to record my version of today's events. But not right now.

I have, apparently, lost my gauge for how I do on exams. After finishing my test this morning, honestly thought I got high 70s, low 80's on it. Which would have made me happy, since the average was 77. But, nooooooooooooooo, not even close. 60 freaking percent. I cannot figure how I missed 40% of those questions. I really, really can't. This is test review I will certainly be attending. And, after my OPP practical fiasco, where I was certain I passed, and failed miserably there, too... is this the depression? It is making me second guess every decision I make at school. I'm starting to worry about my SP, too, and I thought I rocked that exam. Shit.

It is funny cuz right now, I feel better. Not great. But better. I've been off the zoloft for two weeks now and on the lexapro for the interim. Half dose, mostly. But I feel clearer. I know I didn't handle this ticket-thing today very well, but I am not so dreadfully low MOST of the time. Some of the time... yeah... really, really low. Low enough that I may be calling the hotline. Especially after trying to talk to my mom, who is obviously fed up with me and my shit, and tries really hard to get me off the phone, when I really just need someone to listen. I hate that I am a burden to those who care about me. And I don't feel like I am getting what I need out of therapy. Something is missing from all this. My emptiness is aching to be filled. But with what?!

The best I feel is with Jonathan's family. Hanging out with little Anna and Jonah, running with Jen, talking smack about our professors with Jonathan... they make me feel relaxed. And of course, CrossFit. Even though it is getting harder and harder to motivate myself to go because of this depression. I love it while I'm there, it is just getting me there that is so hard.

And I'm binging and purging. Maybe once a week. For the last three or four weeks. Stupid fucking bitch. Obviously, I am NOT better. Obviously, I still need the meds and therapy. The really fucked up part, is that after I purge, I then make myself eat a healthy meal. So I get all my calories. The binging is just the pleasure of eating crap I am not allowed to eat. And control over something. And the familiar pleasure/guilt of it all. I made it almost a full year without that monkey on my back. And it has come back now. When everything is collapsing.

Looking forward to the mud run on Saturday. Should be fun. And going shopping with Mom on Sunday.


Log in

No account? Create an account