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The Journey, not the Destination

Seeking Bettie Page

Jump rope
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dauntlessjen
Warm up
20 lunges
200 singles
10 knees to elbows
10 GHD situps
400m run
10 med ball cleans

Strength
Dead lifts - I didn't do them

WOD
5 Rounds
35 Double Unders (140 singles)
Run 250 M

That was A LOT of singles. 900 to be exact. And because I was doing singles instead of du, I was super slow. AGAIN.

I didn't go to school today, but apparently I missed an EPIC beatdown. Dr. Pales went out of his way to make us feel inadequate and stupid. And I think that is unprofessional and uncalled for. I'm trying not to panic. I'll have to self-medicate before I watch the video, because it sounds like it was four hours of misery and anger.

And Dr. Ramey didn't bother to show up after lunch. And then he sent me an email at 3:30 saying he'd be at school til 4:00. Whatever. I'm sick of his crap.

Wringer
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dauntlessjen
Warm up
750m row
20 lunges
10 toes thru rings
20 squats
10 ring dips
15 situps

WOD
"Santiago"
7 Rounds
18 DB Hang Squat Cleans (35/25)- tried 25, went down to 20
18 Pull-ups
10 Power Cleans (135/95) stuck with 65
10 HSPU

They cut us off at 40 minutes (LONG WOD!!!) and I made it through 4 full rounds and 9 reps. And I was totally slow today. It was a very rough day, I almost didn't go, but I pushed through, even though I couldn't bring myself to give 100%. Well, I guess I DID give 100%, it was just a less 100% than usual. And I ripped my hand again on the pullups. Shoulda worn my gloves. And my lateral epicondylitis is freakin' killing me.

So, I skipped the CIS this morning so I could study for the quiz I was scheduled to take this afternoon for YESTERDAY'S CIS. Then I went to VA for my appointments with Dr. P and Ellie. As I suspected she would, Dr. P got mad at me for what I did with my meds. And in order to keep her trust (which I apparently lost, since she ordered at drug test for me even though I told her I wasn't taking any drugs!), I submitted to her will and will go back to my earlier meds - the zoloft and geodon. High doses of both. With lots of side effects I HATE. In order to prove that I am right and she is wrong about where this depression episode is coming from. Fortunately, I talked her into giving me some more Ativan - I have the distinct impression I'm gonna need it.

She agreed to order a new TSH and T4 to make sure my synthroid dose is doing what it is supposed to do - I don't think it is, but I can't tell if it is high or low.

Then I met with Ellie, and cried some more. Ug... exhausting. I am seeing both of them again in two weeks.

Then I went to school to take this cursed quiz that I knew I wasn't ready for... let me back up.

Tuesday was Dad's surgery. I wanted to be there badly, but they told me they didn't need me. But then Mom called right after they wheeled him back to the OR, and she was sobbing and panicked and stressed out. So I immediately headed up there to be there, help out, do what I could. So I got no studying done Tuesday afternoon, evening or Wednesday morning. And, hell, I don't even remember what I attempted to do yesterday afternoon - oh yeah, I napped. Depression nap. Then I tried to study a bit. Then I ate dinner and called Matt and was on the phone with him for an hour. By the time I got off the phone, I was ready for bed. So studying this morning didn't really prepare me much for the quiz. But I did what I could. And that catches us up to before.

So I went to Dr. Kruse's office to take the quiz, and he has me sit down and asks me how it is going. And I just broke down. I hated crying in front of him. But it seems to be all I can do anymore. But he was so sympathetic. And sweet. And gave me so many options - everything from the taking the year off, to taking an incomplete for the course and doing it this summer, to just pushing Monday's exam back a few days. That's what I opted for. And taking the quizes out of my grade. So I don't have to go to school tomorrow (well, I DO, I have to go fight for my OPP grade with Dr. Ramey), but I don't have to go to the CIS or take the quiz. And I'll take the exam on Wednesday.

After all that, I was wiped out. I'd had close to 2 panic attacks (averted by Ativan), cried on three separate occasions - no, four, I did when I talked to my mom, too. And I am glad I went to CrossFit, even after the ridiculous day I had.

Tomorrow, I have to finish my KBIT, catch up on some reading, and go to CrossFit. Saturday I'm going to go run with Jen Williams again. This time without Jonathan and the kids. I'll just have to keep reminding myself to take things one minute at a time. Keep it together for one minute at a time. Eventually I'll get back up to one day at a time, then week, then month... And I'll get through this depressive episode. And it WON'T destroy my career. I may scrape by for a couple of months, but I won't fail. One minute at a time.

I totally forgot - I went for my weigh in today and I finally hit 65 lbs. I am 21 lbs from goal. And just by sticking to plan the last four days (except for that bagel incident on Monday), I was down 3.5 lbs. And while I was there, just for giggles, Judy had me check my BMI on this little machine she has. It was 26%!!! That's a loss of nearly 14%. She thinks we should be monitoring that more now since I am working out so much and putting on so much muscle in addition to losing fat. So there was my sole perk in a long, long day.

Pep talk
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dauntlessjen
Warm up
500m row
20 squats
100 singles
20 du (or 3, if you're me)
10 OHS (35)
10 box dips
10 weighted dips
10 ring dips

Weight
Push press
I couldn't complete this because my arms were hurting too much

WOD
"Strung-out, Backwards, and Upside down Fran"

Run 1200 M
9 Pull-ups
9 Thrusters (95/65)
Run 800 M
15 Pull-ups
15 Thrusters (95/65)
Run 400 M
21 Pull-ups
21 Thrusters (95/65)

Except I did back squats at 45 instead of thrusters since my arms/hands are hurting so badly. And I did the pullups on the red band - first big WOD on the red band. Finished in 25:37. Sort of last, since Jamie didn't really finish. Only because my run is so damn slow. I remember when I was in 3rd grade and I was one of the fastest runners in my class. What the hell, yo? Is it cuz I'm fat!?

Speaking of fat - I had a stern talking to and a wake up call at my weigh in today. This week is my last week of purchases weight loss weeks. And I had bought 4 extra back in August. I should have been at my goal four weeks ago. And I'm still 23 lbs away from my original goal. Yikes. I'm way behind schedule. I know these last few months have been hard - these last few weeks especially. And I know why - there are so few things I enjoy about my life right now... CrossFit... and chocolate... and the occasional cheat like pizza (not that I keep that down). The counselor today kept talking about how I need to stop thinking of food as a reward or a comfort. But dammit, it IS. Because the rest of my day is such a pain, except for my workout, eating 3 planned meals a day is fucking depressing. I am sick of the limited menu I get on plan. I'm sick of the limited vegetables I get on plan. Today at lunch, I was just staring at my yogurt and salad and I had to make myself eat every bite. I thought I would be able to stick to plan today. But I still cheated and had 2 - yes TWO - bagels. I'm so weak willed.

I really do have to find a way to reinvest in this diet for another two months. I really have to. For me. It is nice being able to wear the clothes I can wear now. And honestly I would be okay - eventually - with just staying where I am right now. I still see the fat girl in every mirror.

We pulled out my original list of goals from the beginning of the program. They were interesting. I wanted to improve my self-confidence. That has sort of worked. I wanted to decrease my meds - I haven't had a TSH drawn in quite a awhile, so I haven't gone down on my synthroid. I am slowly going down, with to goal of eventually getting off entirely, the geodon. The new drug is at a medium dose. SO, not a ton of luck in that goal, either. Then there was establishing a better relationship with food. Yikes. That may just take more therapy. Because I am hurting myself again - not every day. Not even every week. But the bitch is back in my life. The fourth goal was about earning the respect of my peers. In that, I have been highly successful. So all in all - some success. But certainly some failures, too.

I know I need to dig deep to get through this. If I stick to plan for the next 8 weeks, I can be there. I can be DONE with this. Just in time for Thanksgiving... but in any case, if I can find the gumption in me to go to CrossFit and push through some of those ridiculous WODs, I can find the gumption to stick to plan for the next eight weeks. No more candy. No more bagels. No more calzones. I'd say no more beer, but I haven't had any in weeks and weeks.

Come on Jennifer. Come ON Jennifer. The end is in sight. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Stick to plan. Go to CrossFit. Be good. Be the woman you want yourself to be. Stop "almost" being her. BE HER. Go get what you really want. As Cody would say... nothing easy is worth having.
Tags: ,

I'm so bad to myself sometimes.
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dauntlessjen
Warm up
10 OH lunges (25)
10 squats
10 toes thru rings
10 weighted pushups (25)
10 ring dips
50 du (I just tried...)
250m row
400m run

WOD
10 rounds
10 Kb swings (25)
10 OHS (45)
100m run

That was a fun WOD. It really was. It was hard, but I enjoyed it. It was Shannon today - I missed Chris and Shara. Especially since I dreamed about them last night. I've been dreaming about CrossFit a lot - including Chris and Shara. Funny I don't dream about school. I dream about Wales and CrossFit. My true loves?

This was a rough week at school. I couldn't work out Wednesday (my usual rest day) or yesterday because of the stupid OPP tests. I want to love Osteopathic Manipulation (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osteopathic_manipulative_medicine). I really do. But we just don't give enough time during the week to it to really learn it - not and give enough time to the rest of our studies. So instead it becomes a nuisance, a necessary evil to endure while we're learning the rest of medicine. And I don't feel like I have an instinct for it, or the hands. I can't feel crap. They say if you practice more, you'll get better hands. But there just ain't enough time.

I started my new meds yesterday. Can't say I'm feeling anything yet, but I know I have to give it a couple of weeks. But surviving the next few weeks will be a miserable experience. All this cardiovascular, an SP (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Standardized_patient) on Monday, a written exam on Friday, another written exam on Monday... and so many damned quizzes in between. I'm really bitter. Everyone is rubbing me the wrong way. I even have road rage.

Dad's surgery is on Tuesday. Wish I could be there. But after that, he'll be non-weight bearing for 8 weeks. Poor mom, putting up with his whining. I'm going up to their house the long weekend (Oct 8-10) because I'll be up there for the Devil Dash on the 8th. That's what's getting me through the next few weeks. Looking forward to the mud run.

I know there was other crap I wanted to write about tonight, but I can't remember what it was. So perhaps I'll be back later.

Drippy
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dauntlessjen
Warm up
500m row
20 squats
15 OH lunges (25)
15 ring dips
10 box dips (25)
10 toes to ring
400m run

Weight
DL
5 @ 155
5 @ 165
5 @ 175

WOD
10-1 power cleans (75)
20-11 pushups

Finished at 18:16. And I was dripping like crazy - my eyes were watering, my nose was running, I even felt like I was drooling. That was a tough WOD. Looked deceptively simple, but it took a lot out of me.

Today was a rough day - slept late - felt like I could have slept another ten hours. Even with the gigantic bruise building on my thigh that hurt every time I lay on it. Felt sick to my stomach all day, even with the two Ativan. Took me forever to get through my school work, and then I finally let myself take a break and go for a walk.

I almost didn't go to CrossFit. But, as usual, I am glad I did. It really is the only thing that makes me feel all better. Human. Like I CAN lead a normal life.

During my walk today, I started thinking again about how fucked up I am in the head and how maybe I should never have children, in case I get sick and can't take care of them. I don't know if I will ever be well enough to think of anyone besides myself. That makes me incredibly sad. I am so self centered right now. And I don't see that ending soon. Medical school and major depression have a way of making me completely in my own head 95% of the time.

And being an inspiration to people - to Jonathon, Twighla, Ilana, Sierra, Izzy, Lana, Vijay... and those are just a few who have told me so - doesn't make me happy. It makes me feel like a fraud. Here I am, living the life I SHOULD be living, and I still feel like I'm fucking it all up. Wow, I hope this new medicine works.

Johnny Cash knows what I mean
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dauntlessjen
Warm up
15 squats
15 box dips
15 weighted box dips (25lb)
10 ring dips (I KNOW!!! What's with all the dips!?!)
250m run
10 hspu
work on du (I did 3... I may have begun to figure these out)
500m row

WOD
3 round
5 thrusters (65 - as heavy as dared to go on these wrists)
5 burpees with lateral jump
5 weighted pullups (I went down to the red band. Prolly should have gone all the way to the purple)
5 box jumps (20in)
400m run with 30lb slam ball

Yay for not finishing last. Unfortunately, though, I was mod on virtually all aspects of that WOD (except for the slam ball carry and the burpees). And I felt like such an ass today, too. Like I couldn't do anything right. Like I was gonna break something important and/or expensive.

I know it is the flux of the drugs in my system. It has been five days now of half the Zoloft, and the Ativan PRN (but I am trying to stick to just 1-2 a day). Yesterday I had the WORST jones for alcohol and cigarettes. And I'm sleeping more. It took the school psychologist today saying "that's the drug withdrawal" for me to slap myself on the forehead. Between the antsiness, nausea, alcohol and nicotine fits, excessive sleepiness, the crying jags, the clumsiness and the inability to deal with the slightest criticism - yeah, I should have known. Drug withdrawal. Thank god for the Ativan. It is keeping me functional. I have another few weeks of this. But I was able, at the gym today, to keep reminding myself every time I wanted to start crying that it JUST A CHEMICAL THING.

Something else I discussed with the school shrink was how much I hate being on meds. She says that is the most frustrating thing for her, professionally. She said - "If you had diabetes, what would think about taking insulin every day?" To which I responded "it would be no problem, of course, I'd be doing it to save my life." Then she said, "How is this different? The pancreas is not the most complex organ in the body, but when something is wrong with it, we take medicine to fix it. But the BRAIN, the brain is the MOST COMPLEX organ in the whole body, and so why the hell should we 'just be able to deal' or 'just fix it'?" She understands that I don't want to be on more medication, because I hate what it says about me. That I'm flawed. That my brain isn't as good as other people's brains - just because it can't re-uptake the stupid serotonin that it needs. As simple problem, easily addressed with modern medicine. But the mental health stigma is pervasive and runs deep. Even in my own perception.

On the plus side - thanks to the Ativan - I got some good studying done this weekend. And I aced my EKG exam. First (and prolly last) time I'll get a 100% on an exam in medical school.

Band-aid seems to be working
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dauntlessjen
Warm up
10 pushups
10 squats
20 OH lunges (25)
10 ring dips
10 ring rows
10 hspu
400m run
50 du (I just kept trying to do du... I don't know how many singles I did, but I managed 2 du)

WOD
1000m row for time (4:14! Faster than Shannon - one of the trainers!)

Max shoulder press (still 60... boo! I tried 65 3 times but couldn't get it)
Max deadlift (went up 25 to 190!!)

Cool down - I just worked on pullups a bit. Did a few more on the purple band. Shara said that for big WODs I can continue to use the red, but for warm ups and cool downs, I should stick to the purple. I still couldn't do one unassisted.

This morning I felt nauseated - so I took an Ativan early. And I felt pretty good all morning, even though it was stressful with two quizzes. And then this afternoon, I started to feel a little shaky and distracted, so I took one around 2:30. I feel fine now - between that and the endorphins. But I do blame the Ativan for my row, I think I could have cut 10 seconds off that at least if I hadn't been sympathetically depressed.

Weigh in was crap today - up. Of course. I had croissants and brownies yesterday. And I don't regret it. Weekends always seem to be good for me - I stick my diet better because I don't leave the house, and I work out hard. I hope to go for a nice long run tomorrow. Maybe 4 or 5 miles. And then Sunday, I'll modify my usual Sunday workout to include KB thrusters. That will help me get my shoulder strength up.

I'll be done two or three pounds by Monday.

This weekend is all about EKGs. I have got to suck it up and get through these. I'm so behind. But I think the test on Monday won't be too bad, as long as I know the basics. Hmmm. I'm surprisingly upbeat right now. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Tennis elbow. D'oh.
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dauntlessjen
Warm up
350m row
50 du (150 singles)
20 burpees
10 squats
10 pushups
30 hollow body rocks (I admit it, I only did 20)
30 situps
350m row

WOD
"Super Grace"
30 squat clean and jerk (155/105) - I went super light at 55.

I am glad, once again, that I went light. It enabled me to really work on my form today. Which I obviously needed, since I kept almost falling over when I went into my squat (elbows UP!!). And somehow, even though they are so similar, these were way easier than thrusters. I don't understand why thrusters suck the life out of me, but these I could do. I finished in 8:08, right in the middle of the group. I taped the crap out of my wrist today, too, because the strain on the wrist is making the lateral epicondylitis worse ( I REFUSE to say I have tennis elbow, dammit). I'm worried because we're doing CrossFit totals tomorrow and Monday, and my arm just isn't up to snuff. I'm especially worried about the deadlift. My muscle ALREADY feels like it is separating from the bone, and to push my max deadlift... you know I'll do it anyways. I'm hoping for 185. Or at least 175 (just over my weight). I'd like to be able to say I can deadlift my own weight.

In other news, I was practicing dead hang pullups on the red band today. And kipping on the purple. That stupid purple band doesn't really take much weight, so (and I agree with Clint and Jess here) I SHOULD be able to do a kipping completely without bands. I'll keep trying, but I have some sort of mental block. I move differently with the band, too, and I need to really pay attention to how I move when I'm using the band so I can replicate that movement without. Tomorrow...

Today I had to take 2 Ativan. And while it made me feel a little bit better, I still didn't get much done. And we have quiz on EKGs tomorrow (I'm TOAST) and a quiz on OPP (watched the lecture, but still can't make myself care about what Kania says). Just have to survive the morning. All afternoon WILL be spent with that EKG book. I'm not feeling any effects from lowering my antidepressant dose yet. I have three more days of the half dose before I switch to the new drug. And honestly, I am a little worried about the serotonin syndrome. Just my luck to get it.

I'm really annoyed that I couldn't get the VA doctors to take better care of me through this. But thank god I go to a school full of people who can help.

Endorphin high is still going right now - it has been nearly 2 hours. Maybe the Ativan is helping, too. But I feel okay. Or maybe it is the socks. I wore the badass ones today.




Endorphins work, sometimes
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dauntlessjen
Warm up
450m row
10 hspu
10 ring dips
10 toes to rings
15 hollow body rock
400m run
25 squats
15 pushups
100ft backwards crab walk

(that was out of order, but I can't remember)

WOD
5 min AMRAP
OHS (45lb)
Ball slams
2,4,6, etc

3 min rest

5 min AMRAP
HSPU
Pistols
2,4,6, etc

I made it through five full rounds of the first AMRAP and 5 rounds plus 5 reps of the second. I feel pretty good about that. I am glad I went light on the OHS. I felt pretty good with that. My form stayed strong.

I'm glad I went today. Today was a shitty day. I couldn't get much studying done. And then I had my appointment with the school psychologist. And this morning, on the verge of another panic attack, I called the clinic for an appointment with a doctor. I got one.

So after crying and freaking out and explaining myself to two different medical practitioners, I walked away with a new rx for antidepressants - but I have to wean off my current ones and wean on to the new ones. So in the mean while, for a band-aid, I got ativan.

The high from CrossFit only lasted for about 45 minutes. And a glorious 45 minutes they were. But I can't work out 12 times a day to maintain that high.

And something new - I'm feeling guilty about shit that I have no responsibility for. None. Things that have NOTHING to do with me are making me nauseated and distracted and worried. I really hope this Ativan works. I need a break.

More, and less, thrusters
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dauntlessjen
Warm up (I really need to get a log book)
100 singles
50 du (another 100 singles)
25 squats
20 pushups
650m row
100m farmers carry (35lb each)
100 ft backwards crab walk (I did 50)
250m run

WOD
4 rounds
400m run
15 thrusters (50lb)
15 pullups

I made it through one full round and 10 reps of the second before my hip, my forearms and my will gave out. So I switched to squats and pushups (on the knees) and I'm completely wiped. I must not be better from being sick last week. After my 2.5 mile run yesterday, I thought I was ready to go back. And perhaps I was. Just lost some conditioning. Whatever. I need to take it a little easier tomorrow. Work back up to it. It is amazing how quickly I LOSE conditioning. And how it will prolly take me more than this week to get it back.

Today at school was a mixed bag - crappy CV test. I know I didn't fail it, but I know I didn't rock it, either. But this afternoon we had our venapuncture/IV/EKG lab and that was cool. This 3rd year who is rotating with Kania let me try to do the IV on him. I miss his vein, sadly, and didn't have enough time to try again. But it was still cool. I hit the vein on John's antecubital fossa on the first try. That was REALLY cool. I like it when they let us do doctory stuff.

Weigh in today - new low. Which is nice after all the crap I ate this weekend.

And just for giggles, here's an example of my temper:




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