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The Journey, not the Destination

Seeking Bettie Page

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Muahahaha... I'm BAAAAAACK!
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dauntlessjen
The alterate title for this entry is: Three Days with the Goddess

Oh yeah... I'm in Scotland. Edinburgh. Been here since 17th of August and at this point I don't know how I will ever leave.

This story begins... where does it begin? With Danny? Well, it sort of does, but he did not play a part in the magic, for the most part.

But it really begins Saturday. Now, I've said I will always be honest here, and so I think I must come clean. I have been dabbling in the "legal weed" of Scotland - not weed at all, and, as a well indocrinated American should, I cannot believe it is completely legal. I shit you not. That goes back to Danny, too, but this isn't his story - except for mainly tangentily - like the great Gary Oldman classic "Rossencratz and Guildenstern are Dead" - he came in and out of some interesting moments, but nothing too important. Well, again, not entirely true.

As an interesting side note - I gave my 3 year virginity to a mental case - but, somehow, it worked. Barely. But enough to get me over that hump. I made it no big deal and it wasn't. It was a physical hurdle I had to get over rather than an emotional one. Which is odd... must come back to that later. I mean, I WAS raped. 4 times in the Navy. But thanks to that damn phenom of 50 Shades of Whatnot, my libido has been making a helluva push for freedom. Uphill battle, and I'm only maybe 30% I'll be me again soon. I cannot WAIT to make love.

Right. So. Where was I? Oh yes - the Goddess. She came to Saturday around noon in a huge rush, in my favorite place in the park. And I glowed with her the rest of the day. (I think I have a wee crush on the femaile bartender at the dog friendly gay pub that I LOVE!) I wrote a wee poem:

Winter is the death, spring is the rebirth and youth, summer is the mother and woman, autumn is the crone and so own. I hope the Goddess will some wisdom for me this autumn.

I felt like I'd summoned her. She was there.

When I got to Danny's later in the day - the walls of his stories came crashing down. And I found I didn't care. I'd already known. But he served his purpose well.

And then he finished his debt to me last night. He took me to Tamara's. In Montrose. I almost didn't go. But, in the hope that I would actually meet this fabled woman, I went, hoping against hope that she wasn't another lie he had told me.

But to her castle in the middle of town where I walked in the door and just felt RIGHT. And these people... they were all in their 50's. And had known each other so long, you could see the ghosts of their youth in their smiles. And through all that was discussed last night and the bond between Rhiannon, Tamara's 13 year old daughter, and Whisky is odd enough to explore. It was like she was reading his mind.

But I found a new Mother last night. And I hoping she is my Mother Summer and be the Goddess I need right now.

I'm no woman. I'm a 13 year old girl stuck in the broken and chemically wrong body of a 33 - def not Jennifer Garner's experience, but I know so little about some important things. And at Tamara's I will learn at the hands of the Mother, and Woman, and find myself all over again.

I have so much to learn from her. Her magic was powerful enough to tickly my numbed soul.

Getting to bed was much ado. But it got done.

And for many, many reasons, Danny was my least favorite person last night. He wallows in being sick. In not taking care of himself. He thinks it makes me extraordinary. He is very, VERY sick. And as much as he says he's virtually in love with me (sorta creepy but entirely believable because I've been that wallower, too) after our four outings, I was quite probably the woman who completes him (he really was heading RIGHT down that road). So, I cut ties as best I could and ditched him at the train station. Didn't even care. I may see him again, under very specific circumstances. And hopefully NEVER again at Tamara's.

By this morning, I broke my ice and started speaking completely straight with him. He followed me to the bus stop, the train stop, the train and Edinburgh. I spent most of the morning asking him pointed questions to try to break through his head (and all its chemicals) and through the madness and word vomit. I didtched him at the train station. No regreats.

I have the choice right now - try to help him get better (oooooh, the long hours, the yelling, the hiding. But I can't bear the weight of his so-called-love. I refuse to go back there.

Or be the part time friend who calls him on his shit. That is, if he deigns to forgive me.

So I finally got home and relaxed. Got some things done. And now I'm sitting in the dark of 7 candles. Four in each cardinal direction. Three on the table next to me.

This afternoon I took Whisky on a forever walk in the park, went to the place - I must find the name of it. It feels so close to the magic, in fact it shaped like a cirlce. And I prayed.
And I realized I need to start doing yoga again tomorrow. And quit smoking. And use my "herb" to help me commune. A rare and powerful treat. I still get beer and cider, though. Clean living wins with letting you cheat with beer and bacon and the occasional puff. Fucking legal. You coulda pushed me over with a feather. Paleo... can I do it? I haven't been eating much bread. I could swap my milk out for rice milk (ew). I'll think about it.

Yeah. I mean, aye. I really need to start practicing that. Aye. But the glorious rain that feel this night and was nearly FREEZING and she was there. She was there to tell me that tomorrow I live clean. Yes. I like that idea. I'll leave this open to read tomorrow and remind myself first thing.

And I MUST find a way to get back to that Garden in Montrose. I must.

Tomorrow I plan to write about the 25 ways you know you're a grad student. That'll be fun. I've been thinking about good ones all day. Oh yeah. Priority. JOURNAL.

And post my darned car on USAA.

After I'm at the Registry tomorrow at 0900, I have the day get some stuff sorted.

Ohhhhh, I have so MUCH HOPE!!!
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