The Journey, not the Destination

Seeking Bettie Page

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Well, first off, I had some amazing fucked up dreams last night. That I was pregnant and had to pee all the time - then I woke up and realized I actually DID have to pee. I've had dreams about having to pee before, but never have I been pregnant. Funny thing was, I have no idea who the father was supposed to be. I know you have to have sperm to become pregnant, but I am living my life so solo right now, that the idea of bringing someone else in... overwhelming. Then I dreamt that I was in Alamosa and people there were turning sporadically crazy and killing other people. But the insanity only lasted a few minutes to a few hours, and people wouldn't remember what they had done while they were crazy. And I was trying to escape with this group of 9 Iranian wives who were themselves trying to escape from their abusive husbands. But I fell asleep and when I woke up, they were all dead and I was being accused of their murders. Yeah. Crazy dreams.

I need to be studying.

But I found myself perusing this facebook profile of this German lady who lives in Spain and travels all through Europe. All her posts are in German, so I'm not really sure what she does, but it is something with symbols - maybe tarot cards? - and body sprays.... strange combo, I know, but that was what I gathered from her photos. In any case, I am super jealous of her life. Her photos are of her beautiful trips to all these beautiful places - pictures of wonderful meals with interesting people and gorgeous outfits. She gets to go to all these places I really want to see - like Renne le Chateau. She is also very interested in Mary Magdalene - this was how I found her profile to begin with.

I want to live a life where I actually do things I WANT to do. And I'm freaked out that that isn't medicine. School sucks so badly that it is - once again - making me question this as my life choice. I want to travel and eat and drink and workout and be creative - not do something that makes me feel stupid and inadequate. Oh, but the bills I have to pay off from all these loans. I am sick to my stomach over it (on that note - time for a pill!). I am trapped. How can I practice medicine and lead that life? HOW?!?! I deserve to be happy. And that's what would make me happy. Men are obviously not interested in me. So fuck them. If I am destined to be alone, I want to be HAPPY alone.


Time to study.
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